Annoying Snape: The Diary of Merriweather Hapshat
by Lauren Snape
Summary: Having procured an extensive list of ways to annoy everyone's favorite Potions Master, one industrious student starts a quest to cover them all in her 4th year at Hogwarts. A humorous journey following the escapades of one Merriweather Hapshat. OUTDATED
1. Entries 1 through 5

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**Title:** Annoying Snape: The Diary of Merriweather Hapshat (01)  
**Author name:** Lauren Snape  
**Author email:** lauren@slytherin.us  
**Category:** Humor  
**Sub Category:** General  
**Keywords:** annoying severus snape gryffindor slytherin  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers:** SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF, FB, QTTA, 301 Ways To Annoy Professor Snape  
**Summary:** Having procured an extensive list of ways to annoy everyone's favorite Potions Master, one industrious student starts a quest to cover them all in her 4th year at Hogwarts. A humorous journey following the escapades of one Merriweather Hapshat. Will she be able to survive Severus Snape's wrath?  
**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I did not write the ways to annoy Snape, in fact I'm not sure who DID. As far as Numairs-Magelet was able to trace it was back to a girl named Grace on WIKTT back in November, but aparently someone sent it to her. And that list had 303 ways, and the one I've received is missing 2 somehow. If any of you have any information on the original author of this list, please please please leave me a note or email me letting me know. You can view the list HERE: http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=ms_merriweather&itemid=412#cutid1  
**Author notes:** I plan on posting this here in 5 entry increments. I actually post a new entry on a daily basis over at livejournal in a diary I've made for Merriweather. You can visit it at the following address: http://www.livejournal.com/users/ms_merriweather  


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**Sunday September 1st, 2002**

"**5. Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.**"

Ginny spent the majority of breakfast trying to steal the list from me, she thinks I'm going to get myself expelled. But I don't think any of the things on the list are really against the rules. They'll piss him off but there probably won't be much he can do about it.

Besides, if he gives me detention it will just give me a whole new window of time to annoy him in.

I hope to start with one list item a day, then work my way up as necessary. I decided that instead of going straight down my list of things to do I'd just skip around and check things off as I try them.

So today, I decided to go with number 5. Thought it would be a nice intro, especially as I don't even think Professor Snape knows my name.

I sat through potions as I usually do: completely silent. I did my potion, I took my notes, I kept a nice low profile.

I waited till everyone was getting ready to leave. With the hustle and bustle of packing up cauldrons and ingredients, I don't think anyone really noticed me make a beeline for Snape.

I didn't even acknowledge him until I had my arms around him, hugging him tightly. That's when I said "I just wanted to tell you Professor Snape, that I missed you. And Professor Dumbledore told me you looked mighty lonely and that I should give you a hug."

He got _really_ tense. In fact I thought his head may explode. But in the end he just gently pried me off of him.

"Thank you Miss..."

"Hapshat," I told him. "But please, call me Merriweather."

"Right, of course," he said. He sounded very confused. "Thank you Miss Merriweather."

Then he ran like a scared puppy. You'd think the man hadn't been touched in ages. Actually, now that I think about it, he probably _hasn't_ been touched in ages.

At least he knows my name now. I'd better go, Fred and George Weasley are dancing around the common room singing "Merri and Snape Sitting in a Tree" and they definitely need a good hex right about now.

-Merri

**Tuesday September 3rd, 2002**

"**34. Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.**" 

I was slightly hesitant about this one, simply because I didn't really do much to write a detailed account about. But I did it and sent it to him yesterday evening after I managed to shut the Twins up. Here's a copy of it:

"Dearest Professor Snape, 

How did you enjoy the summer holiday, sir? I had a splendid time. I spent the majority of the first week just lounging about the house and enjoying the fact I didn't have to get up and go to class every morning. Was nice for a while, until my Mum started complaining that I never did anything and started giving me a list of chores to do every week.

Lost its fun after that. I had to do the dishes, and rake the leaves, and paint the front fence. All _without_ magic. Can you _imagine_. It was ridiculous. Why can't we use magic outside of school? I mean I understand to a point, but do you have any idea how long it takes for you to hand paint a fence?

Mum lightened up after a couple of weeks and stopped with the impossible chores. Mid way through July I went to stay with the Weasley's for a week. You see Ginny Weasley is my best friend in the world. I don't know if you knew that.

I had the best time. Her brother's are such a trip! I don't think I've laughed so much in my life. You should _see_ Fred's impression of you. He puts this ugly wet mop on his head and charms it black and will go around all day taking points off of people, it was bloody hilarious.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Weasley caught him and told him off for ruining her mop.

.... _TWO PAGES LATER_ ....

Well, that was pretty much my summer. Hope your's was as fun as mine, see you in class tomorrow!

Sincerely,   
Miss Merriweather Hapshat

I wasn't expecting a response, but he sent the whole thing back!! With a little note added to it that said:

Miss Hapshat,

As entertaining as your account of the summer holiday was, please refrain from Owling me such frivolous nonsense. All correspondence is to be limited to school related questions.

-SS

Honestly, I tried to be nice to the man and all he did was get snippy with me. How rude.

See if I ever Owl him again. Bugger, Lee Jordan just snatched the letter and is giving a loud rendition of it to everyone in the common room. They all think this is splendidly funny I suppose.

Well, alright, it _is_ funny.

-Merri

**Wednesday September 4th, 2002**

"**267. Bake him a cake!**"

I have henceforth decided that I hate cooking. If it wasn't for Ginny I would have never succeeded in making a cake at all.

My first attempt ended up burnt and crunchy, but Ginny had her mother send us one of the family cake recipes and we made it from that. Turned out quite nice, Dean helped us ice a Slytherin Crest on the top of it.

Turned out far nicer than I expected, not that Snape apreciated it. Of _course_ not.

See, I snuck into the Great Hall before everyone got there for lunch and left it in front of his chair at the Head Table. I then left and came in with the rest of the Gryffindors.

Headmaster Dumbledore was giving me the oddest look, I think he knows what I'm up to. Well, in truth, what _doesn't_ Dumbledore know thats going on in this school?

Snape was late, as he generally is. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks he's too good to eat with the rest of the school. Other times I wonder if he was just too engrossed in some potion and failed to realize the meal had started. I'm not sure which one is correct. Perhaps I'll never know.

He sat down and looked down at the cake. He narrowed his eyes and started searching up and down our table.

I thought after the hug and the long letter he would certainly realize that it would have been me, but he looked directly at Harry Potter of all people.

As if Harry Potter would bake him a cake?

I guess Snape thinks Harry and his friends are just trying to get under his skin.

Harry just sat there looking blissfully innocent, well, because he _was_ innocent.

Snape just got up, strode over to one of the trash bins in the hall and dropped the cake into it. Then went back and continued with his lunch without another word, or another look at our table.

I already apologized to Harry for any unjust rudeness Snape may show him now. How was _I_ to know that Snape would automatically point the finger at Harry?

I have to go to potions now, I'm considering doing another list Item there, but I'm not sure what sort of mood he's in after the cake...

-Merri

**Thursday September 5th, 2002**

"**59. Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off.**"

Well, after the cake incident I was unsure whether it was wise to pick on Snape _again_ but the opportunity arose for this one and I had to take it.

You see, Colin Creevey is in my potions class. And the boy is, pardon my bluntness, _hopeless_ with potions. He can't remember the ingredients. He can't remember what things should be chopped and what should be ground.

It probably doesn't help that Snape paired him with Ardythe Brach, one of the more scary Slytherin girls. She doesn't put up with his nonsense and won't share cauldrons with him, so he's pretty much left to fend for himself.

Sometimes I feel for Snape, having to teach students like Colin all day. People who are bad with potions and are only in the class because they have no choice. Its got to be enough to give you a headache.

Wait, I'm straying from my point. The point is that Colin managed to melt yet _another_ cauldron today. And piled on top of the cake thing I suppose Snape had just had enough for one day.

Usually he'd just growl at Colin and tell him to clean it up, but today he preached.

"You stupid little boy. Can you not get the _simplest_ of potions right? I suppose you put in the crushed elderflower petals _**before**_ you stirred it counter clockwise three strokes. Can't you read instructions? If you melt one more bloody cauldron in this class you will receive a weeks worth of detentions chiseling the grime out from beneath the toilets in the dungeon lavatory. Do I make myself clear?"

Colin just nodded.

"Now clean this up and get out of my site."

Sensing the opportunity I stood up and started clapping like a mad woman. At first I thought Colin was going to burst into tears, but he started _laughing_ and the next thing you know the whole class was applauding and laughing. I guess I realized then that people just take Snape far too seriously sometimes.

Snape, however, was not too pleased with the new scene.

"This is _not_ a laughing matter!"

But the look on his face just made everyone laugh even harder. He looked _so_ unbelievably annoyed.

In the end he just muttered "Class Dismissed" and strode out of the classroom. Party pooper.

Was enjoyable nonetheless.

Now... anyone know where I can find some copies of "Magical Me", I haven't seen any since old Lockhart lost his mind and everyone found out he was a fraud. They have to be in a bargain bin somewhere, I need some for one of the tasks on the list and I've no idea where to look.

-Merri

**Friday September 6th, 2002**

"**74. Anytime you catch his eye, wink at him.**"

I didn't have Potions today. Which is probably just as well, because I'm sure that Snape is going to be very harsh with our class after yesterday's stunt. Word of the incident has spread through out the school. The Slytherins, who actually _like_ Snape, have been throwing me dirty looks. Everyone else thinks its the funniest thing in the world. Fred Weasley has accused me of trying to show him up.

Well, I started this task at breakfast. I figured that today I'd have all three meals and any time I passed him in the hall to wink at him and see if he notices.

I tell you though, it took at least 15 minutes of me staring at him during breakfast before he happened to glance my way and I had the chance to wink. He looked away and did a double take so I winked again.

I think he deliberately looked away after that and refused to look back up at me. I don't know if he thought he was imagining it, or if he was hoping that if he didn't act like he noticed I would stop.

Silly man.

I passed him on my way out and winked again, but I didn't hang around to see his reaction that time.

I managed to squeeze 3 winks into lunch, and 2 into dinner before he actually caught up to me.

I was on my way to the Library to see if Madam Pince had any copies of Magical Me and he must have been on his way to the staff room because I ran practically head on into him.

But I had not forgotten my mission of the day, so when I looked up and met his eye, I winked again.

"Miss Hapshat, have you something in your eye?"

"No Professor, what do you mean?" And I winked again.

He was looking quite icy, and quite annoyed. I had to fight the urge to run full tilt to the Library and take refuge behind Madam Pince's desk. But I didn't, even when he was bending over me like an overgrown vulture.

"I don't know what it is you _think_ you are doing, Merriweather Hapshat, but I want it to cease this instant."

I clutched my fists, I stood up straight and looked him straight in those piercing black eyes of his. "Oh lighten up, Sir." And then I winked one final time.

If I thought it looked like his head would explode yesterday, I was wrong. This time it _really_ looked like his head may explode.

"_**TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!**_" He growled at me. "For your cheek and for your lack of maturity, _Miss Merriweather_." And off he stalked. (The man never just walks, I swear.)

I hate the way he says my name, as if its a dirty word or something. I just realized I lost a point per wink. I wonder if he planned it that way or if it is coincidence. You never know with him.

Well, the library didn't have any copies of Lockhart's book. But Madam Pince gave me an Owl Order form so I can order copies from Flourish and Blotts. She didn't even ask why I would want them, just gave me the order form and shook her head.

I'm going to check the bookstore in Hogsmeade tomorrow before I send it off, but at least now I know for sure where I can get them.

-Merri

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	2. Entries 6 though 10

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**Title:** Annoying Snape: The Diary of Merriweather Hapshat (02)  
**Author name:** Lauren Snape  
**Author email:** lauren@slytherin.us  
**Category:** Humor  
**Sub Category:** General  
**Keywords:** annoying severus snape gryffindor slytherin  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers:** SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF, FB, QTTA, 301 Ways To Annoy Professor Snape  
**Summary:** Having procured an extensive list of ways to annoy everyone's favorite Potions Master, one industrious student starts a quest to cover them all in her 4th year at Hogwarts. A humorous journey following the escapades of one Merriweather Hapshat. Will she be able to survive Severus Snape's wrath?  
**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I did not write the ways to annoy Snape, in fact I'm not sure who DID. As far as Numairs-Magelet was able to trace it was back to a girl named Grace on WIKTT back in November, but aparently someone sent it to her. And that list had 303 ways, and the one I've received is missing 2 somehow. If any of you have any information on the original author of this list, please please please leave me a note or email me letting me know. You can view the list HERE:   
**Author notes:** I plan on posting this here in 5 entry increments. I actually post a new entry on a daily basis over at livejournal in a diary I've made for Merriweather. You can visit it at the following address:   


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**September 8th, 2002**

**"133. Ask for his autograph."**

Fred Weasley dared me to do this one. I was going to wait until I'd worn Professor Snape down some, but Fred claimed I just didn't have the guts to go through with it so I had to do it.

The hardest part was getting the guts up to do it. I decided to have him sign the notebook I put all my Potions notes in. As cheesy as that is. 

I caught up with him after lunch, when he was on his way back to the dungeons. I ran down the corridor yelling after him "Professor Snape, Professor Snape... wait up!" 

He stopped and looked at me as if he was prepared for the worst. 

"Can I _help_ you Miss Hapshat? Or do you intend to wink yourself into detention this time?" 

I was quite taken aback by those words. Perhaps I merely thought he had so many students trying to hack him off that he wouldn't really notice that I was doing so. 

Perhaps it was due to this that my well-rehearsed spiel failed me at the last moment and I ended up standing there, holding out my Potions' notes, and lamely saying: "Can I have your autograph?" 

He looked down at me and blinked a couple times. "Pardon me?" 

I thought I was about to die right there on the spot. He was looking down on me as if I was some sort of unpleasant insect that he yearned to smash beneath the heal of his shoe. But I stood my ground, pushed my notebook further toward him, and repeated my request. 

I wish I could tell you what was going on in his head at that moment, because his eyes flashed between anger and surprise. 

In the end he snatched the notebook from my hand, scribbled his initials on it and shoved it back in my face. 

"Now, do remove yourself from my line of sight." 

Fred and George owe me ten Galleons. 

-Merri

**September 10th, 2002**

**"76. Call him Severus."**

Another day, another fun adventure in Potions. 

I actually had to practice for an hour last night reciting his name, its really quite hard to make a switch from saying "Professor Snape" to "Severus". We won't even go into the fact that Severus is probably the strangest first name I have ever heard. Its like his parents _wanted_ him to turn into a sour and bitter individual. 

Ginny kept shuddering every time I said it, too. "You are going to get _detention_," she kept saying. 

Maybe I will. He hasn't given me a detention yet, as amazing as that is to me. 

Well, class was actually rather quiet and calm today. I was half expecting to have him taking random points from Gryffindor to sooth his sour mood, but I guess he mellowed yesterday as I didn't bother him at all. 

We were working on Confusing Concoction, of all things. So perhaps the fumes were just getting to me, but I _honestly_ couldn't get it to thicken the way it is _supposed_ to. 

So I raised my hand (rather politely I thought) and waited for him to acknowledge me. When he didn't, I took my chances and said: "Severus, I can't figure out why this looks so watery." 

The room went dead silent. I thought Ginny was going to fall off her stool. He did not move from his desk for a moment, he merely looked up from the large Potions volume he'd been mulling over. 

"What did you call me, Miss Hapshat?" 

"Erm... Professor Snape?" 

The next thing I knew he was next to my desk, he tossed a sprinkle of diced shrivelfig into my cauldron. 

"You are a promising student Merriweather, and I'd certainly hate to see your grade suffer because of your ridiculous need to get on my last nerve." His face was inches from mine as he said this, and I wanted to just vanish from the spot. "Please refrain from referring to me by my first name in class." 

He swept back up to his desk, my head slowly running through what he'd just said. 

First of all, was that a compliment? He called me a promising student, and I can't say I've heard him say that to many people. Second, _in class_? Does that mean I can call him Severus out of class? I'm not entirely sure. 

It actually took me a couple minutes to realize that he'd fixed my potion. It was the right thickness, and the right color, and everything. Note to self: mind your shrivelfig measurements from here on out. 

I've had so many offers from people who want to _buy_ Snape's autograph. I guess there are more closet Snape fans at Hogwarts then I realized. But I think I'll keep it. I mean, _I_ had to get up the guts to ask him for it. Not to mention its on my Potions' notebook. 

-Merri 

**September 11th, 2002**

**"121. Ask him if he fears the sunlight, or is he just naturally pale?"**

Potions today was incredibly boring, so I just _had_ to pull this one. 

We were brewing a shrinking potion, and its so fairly simple that it wasn't really challenging at all to accomplish. So I just kept mixing and dicing, and chopping, ignoring everyone else. 

Finally, once my potion was complete, I raised my hand and waited patiently for him to acknowledge me. He merely nodded in my direction to indicate he was listening. 

"Do you fear the sunlight, or are you just naturally so pale?" I asked, calmly. 

Ginny hid her face in her hands, muffling a laugh. I remember when we were first reading over this list, she thought this one was an amusing possibility. But I didn't warn her that I'd be pulling it out today. 

He blinked at me. "What was that?" 

"I asked if you fear the sunlight or-" 

"I _heard_ what you asked," he snapped, striding across the room toward me. 

"Then why did you ask what I said?" I knew I was pushing his buttons now, his nostrils were flaring dangerously. 

"Miss Hapshat, one must start to wonder if you were dropped on your head as a child," he hissed (another Slytherin trait I suppose). 

"I suppose its entirely possible," I replied, hiding my smile. 

Ginny was doubled over in giggle now, abandoning any attempt she had made to conceal it. 

"What are you laughing at, Weasley?" He paused. "_DETENTION!_ Both of you. Tonight at midnight in my dungeon." 

That stopped Ginny's giggles for sure, and wiped the smile off of my face as well. 

He dismissed the class after that and we all trudged up the stairs to lunch. 

He's going to have us doing something disgusting, I know he is. And I think Ginny is mad at me now. 

On the bright side, the look on his face was beyond priceless. I really need to invest in one of those Muggle cameras so that I can capture all of these moments on film. 

*smiles contently* 

You know, there must be something I can pull on him during detention. I just hope it doesn't cause him to _completely_ snap. 

-Merri

**September 12th, 2002**

**"213. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you."**

Ginny and I arrived at Professor Snape's office at midnight on the dot. Gin wanted to head out about twenty minutes early, but I was fairly sure that Snape was just as likely to punish us for being _early_ as for being late. 

He seemed almost surprised to see us, as if he'd completely forgotten that he'd given us detention. Not that that stopped him from giving us lovely work to do. 

Basically, he set us to cleaning every damn cauldron in the Potions room. Which, basically, was what I'd expected. 

He gave us jugs of cleaning solution and metal scrub brushes and told us to get working and went to return to his desk. I sighed... _loudly_. 

And I'm not talking an exasperated "God, I hate him" sigh. I'm talking a lovesick "That's the man I'm going to marry" sigh. 

He didn't say anything. Hell, he didn't even turn around. Just proceeded calmly to his desk and sat to grade papers. 

Which was, needless to say, very disappointing. So I just started scrubbing and hoped he'd come back near us to check on our progress. Ginny kept throwing me dark looks. 

I swear, that girl has no guts at all. She knew what I was up to and wanted me to stop. But how could I pass up such a golden oportunity to mess with my favorite Potions teacher? 

I couldn't! 

I'll tell you though, if I never have to touch a scrub brush ever again, I'll die a happy girl. 

He did come check on our progress. Once. And I sighed again. He sort of stopped when I did it, and paused. I could see him clenching and un-clenching his fist by his side. 

He dismissed us shortly after that. 

"Miss Hapshat, I would like a word with you before you return to the dorms," he said, as we were nearly out the door. Ginny gave me this worried look but I just whispered for her to go on. 

I sat at the chair across from his desk and waited for the bomb to explode. 

"I just would like to know why on earth you feel the need to try my patience?" 

I pasted on what I hope was my best innocent look and tried to look perplexed when I said "I don't know what you mean, Professor." 

He just stared at me a moment. I think he was sizing me up, trying to determine if i was really as innocent as I was acting. In the end I think he decided I wasn't. 

"I have my eye on your, Merriweather Hapshat," he hissed. "I will find out what you are up to. Now get out of my sight." 

Harumph. How _rude_. 

-Merri

**September 13th, 2002**

**"4. Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'"**

I'm still trying to catch my breath. I don't think I've ever run so fast in all my life. I knew this one was going to be risky, so I was prepared to flee. 

Ginny fled ahead of time. She saw him coming down the hall and diverted away from me. Probably a smart thing, as I'd hate for her to end up with another detention that she doesn't really deserve. 

He'd come out of the Staffroom and seemed to be heading towards the Great Hall. It's lunchtime now, so that is probably why. 

I crept behind him as quietly as I could, a couple of other students gave me the oddest looks. But no one said anything, thankfully. 

I waited till I was close enough to touch him before leaping into it. 

I sort of _shoved_ him in the back and shouted "Your robes are on fire!". 

There was a moment of hesitation in which he looked so furious I knew the only thing I could do was book it. 

And even when I did he tried to grab my arm and pull me back. 

"_FIFTEEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!_" he shouted after me. "You stupid little girl." 

I wanted to go back and tell him off for calling me stupid, but I knew it was a bad idea. 

Fred and George just came in and told me they saw it all. 

"He looked mad as bloody hell," George said. "Good show indeed." 

"I think he may have strangled you if you'd stayed any longer," Fred said. "Mind if we take a look at that list?" 

They say they want to put me on a task schedule. And though I must say they probably have a better sense of comedic timing I don't know how much I trust them to tell me which ones to do when. 

But I copied the list and gave it to them anyways. 

-Merri 

P.S. - I just realized it's Friday the thirteenth. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to give them that list?


End file.
